


Breathing

by Idk_hi_iguess



Series: Wolfstar oneshots [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, How Do I Tag, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, IT'S GAY, M/M, Please Kill Me, Temporary Character Death, boom - Freeform, have it, i'm in pain, merry halloweenie, why
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-31
Updated: 2018-10-31
Packaged: 2019-07-24 00:03:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16169492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Idk_hi_iguess/pseuds/Idk_hi_iguess
Summary: A deranged scream of "AVADA KEDAVERA!"Bella.The deadly curse was barely finished before I heard a bloodcurdling scream.





	Breathing

**Author's Note:**

> So many mistakes but I'm too tired rn maybe later but how bout no
> 
> also this is really old, so uh, it's shit, but have it

"I'll be fine, Pads! Stop worrying!" I assured a frantic Sirius, his head buried in my cardigan, near tears. 

"But what if this is the last time I see you?" 

He was usually this dramatic but there was an edge to his voice I had only heard when he'd heard what his brother had done. 

"It won't be, Dumbledore predicted that the mission would take a week, and he is barely ever wrong about these things. It's not like I have to get real chummy and seduce you-know-who!" My cheap shot of humor brought a small smile to Sirius' face, and I didn't know who it was meant to make feel better. 

I laughed along with Peter and James, desperately trying to stop Sirius making this harder than it already was. 

I had a suffocating knot of anxiety in the bottom of my chest, and it as threatening to pull me under until I couldn't breathe. 

I had to keep breathing for Padfoot. 

I had been assigned the mission to break into Sirius' childhood home and look around on the pretense of being a visitor to their annual party, while there I had to find and destroy Salazar Slytherin's locket using a basilisk fang from Newt Scamander, a local Magizoologist, who never asked too many questions and often helped with missions. 

It was the last Horcrux. We had destroyed a cup, a diadem, a ring and a diary. Finish the locket off, and there we go. We can kill Voldemort with one single curse. 

I was terrified. 

Too much rested on me succeding. 

Sirius didn't know the true extent of the mission and where I was going, or he would have insisted on going in my place, however, his parents would recognize him immediately. 

James and Peter were planning on telling him the day after I left so he wouldn't be able to follow. 

To be honest, Sirius' concern was well-grounded. We had lost members to the "small" mission he thought I was going on.

However, this mission wasn't small in any shape or meaning of the word. 

Keep breathing for Pads. 

Keep breathing for Pads. 

The mantra chased itself round and round my head as I flooed to a small apartment just across the road from Number 12 Grimmauld Place. 

~

Pretending to be a death eater, against all my principles, wasn't hard at all. It was fucking impossible. 

I nearly slipped up several times and only recovered by laughing loudly and saying "As if! Only blood traitors and mudbloods could think as stupidly and irrationally as that!" It hurt each time, especially when they were talking of the "incredible, life-changing" plans of the death eaters to cull the werewolves. I nearly left the room but manage to keep a cool head and nod in the right places. 

I lay awake at night, and I couldn't believe that we were barely 20, already risking our lives and futures, for a cause. It seemed too ridiculous to be true. 

I couldn't help feeling just a little bit angry that we were not relaxing, trying to figure out adulting, laughing, getting drunk, dating around, taking to traditional student traveling year and just being young. 

But if we wanted the little human inside Lily to be safe, and have all these things with their friends, we had to make sacrifices. 

~

I can't breathe.

My breath constricted in my throat. 

2 weeks.

He told me it would take 1.

2 weeks.

Living right on the front line, where if anyone found out who he really was, he would be killed instantly. 

2 weeks.

Lily had equipped him with a felly-toner or telly-foner, which he was using each night when he went out for walks around the dreary square I had been imprisoned my whole adolescence, where I had wanted to die. 

2 weeks.

I missed my Moony's smell. The chocolate and coffee that relaxed me instantly. I hid in his closet and hugged his favorite jumper close, the cream chain knit one, the one he wore after fulls, the one he always wore to Hogsmeade, the one that comforted us all. 

2 weeks.

I let the tears fall and sobs racked my fragile body. Eating no longer mattered since Prongs had told me where he was really going. 

2 weeks.

The door to the coset was opened gently and James' sharp but kind face appeared above Wormy's owlish, round one. "Padfoot? We're coming in." 

2 weeks.

James pulled me onto his lap and Wormy enveloped us both into a hug.

2 weeks. 

"Wormy, Prongs, what if... if..." I couldn't finish. 

2 weeks. 

"No. We'd know, wouldn't we?" 

2 weeks.

"Not necessarily. We might not... not... find..." I couldn't stop the new wave of sobs. 

2 weeks.

"He's ok, Pads, he's going to be fine. He's a skilled occlumens." 

2 weeks. 

After five minutes that passed in a hazy blur of crying, I was rocking back and forth, and before I could stop, I threw up everywhere. "Pads! Oh, Pads! Come on, Lily's best at healing charms, her and Wormy can help you calm down." James' carried me downstairs and into the living room. 

2 weeks.

"Siri! Come lay down a minute." Lily and Peter lay me down and made me drink a calming potion. 

2 w- 

Peace flooded my body and I shut my eyes for a minute. 

~

I woke up to the phone ringing. 

Moony.

We answered immediately. 

There was a cacophony of noise from the other side, illegal curses and even worse. 

His update was interrupted by yells and curses that I didn't even know he knew how to use. 

I didn't listen, I just need him to be ok. He had to be ok. 

He couldn't leave me. 

I loved him. 

Somehow he was still fighting, alive, against 20+ death eaters.

I was too full of Adrenaline to cry, not now. 

He kept us online for 5 minutes more, and I could tell he was beginning to tire, his breaths came in loud gasps, ragged and uneven. 

A deranged scream of "AVADA KEDAVERA!"

Bella. 

The deadly curse was barely finished before I heard a bloodcurdling scream. 

I was in shock. 

There was a ringing in my ears. 

I was beyond tears. 

I felt like there was a dead weight in my stomach. 

Keep breathing. 

Keep breathing for Moony. 

Why?

He was gone. 

What was the point? 

How had he screamed then? Maybe it was - don't get your hopes up Padfoot. 

~

I couldn't keep fighting for much longer.

I was going to collapse.

The initial adrenaline of the battle was subsiding but curses and hexes whirled around me, thank god for lucky potion.

That was wearing off too, I felt tired, a ringing in my ears.

A scream came louder than any other.

The killing curse.

I froze.

I didn't feel the life drain out of me.

Was this death?

I couldn't leave Padfoot.

I was suddenly aware of everything.

I felt a ripping, twisting, gut-wrenching pain in my abdomen.

I looked down, feeling nauseated.

A small red handled dagger was stuck right up to the hilt in between my ribs.

The world turned into a while pool of silence as I apparated back, the lull in curses making it safe to do so.

~

We heard a loud crack rent the air from upstairs in Moony's bedroom. Dashing up we pulled our wands out so fast they blurred.

He stood in the middle of the room, swaying slightly.

I saw the red dagger.

The one Bella had gotta last Christmas from my  _mother_.

James and Peter rushed forward and caught him as he fell forward, blood pooling around his ribs, the knife dislodged from the wound and clattered onto the floor.

I jerked back to reality and rushed over to Moony.

His amber eyes looked pleadingly at me and I looked right back into them.

I held onto his hand like my life depended on it and retained eye contact as Lily and Peter worked to close the wound.

Madame Pomfrey apparated in along with McGonagall, who was holding a potion. 

My heart was crumbling inside me as I saw him hiccup pathetically, blood dripping down his chin. 

No.

He was not going to die. 

Not here. 

Not right now. 

James had his hand his hand pressed against the wound, but too much blood was seeping through the cracks in his fingers. 

 Lily, Peter, and Poppy were casting charms on him, to replenish blood. 

I was not aware of anything that anyone was saying, I just kept holding Moony's hand like it tied us both to life. 

I never stopped looking into his eyes, never looked away from his beautiful, scarred face. 

Then his eyes closed. 

They fluttered shut. 

The world was left less bright. 

They shut, and my world came crashing down around my ears. 

I broke down. 

~

"Hey...Pads, you ok, mate?" 

James looked over at me, holding on to Moony's hand.

"That's with relief right. he's gonna be fine."

"H-he's what?!?" 

"Oh mate," James started laughing. "You were devastated. He's made it, he's going to be fine!" 

I tackled my brother into a bone-cracking hug and Peter came to join us, crying and laughing with relief. 

My Moony was going to be ok. 

The stark change of emotions had me reeling. 

Wow. 

I was hysterical with laughter and James and Peter joined in, they had always described my laugh as infectious. 

Lily was crying into Minny, who was very much who all the marauder's mother and Poppy was setting out a group of potions to give to Moony to keep up his blood levels. 

Wow. 

I realized I was finally breathing properly. 

Not since Moony had first left had that happened. 

~

The smothering darkness materialized itself into a familiar room. 

My room. 

The pain was bad. 

My vision was blurring as I felt blood bubble up my throat. 

Hands grabbed me as I feel, catching me and carrying me onto a soft surface. 

Where was my Pads? 

I felt my hand grabbed and looked up, the effort hurting even more. 

I met Sirius' eyes. 

Those beautiful dark brown eyes I fell in love with 3 years ago. 

The ones I still loved. 

I held his gaze as others filled the room and began to cast spells over me. It felt a bit weird. 

His hand holding securely onto mine and his eyes looking into mine, a silent plea to stay alive, seemed to be the only thing holding me into reality.

It could have been seconds, could have been years that we looked into each other's soals and anchored the other to life. 

I felt my eyes start to close. 

NO!

I was not going to die. 

I was not going to leave. 

no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no ....

I can't leave Pads. 

And I slipped away into darkness. 

~

Around 5 days later, Moony was woken up and I spent most of the time by his bed filling him in on the past few days. 

How a team of 20 aurors and Order members had been dispatched to duel Voldemort, how Bella was the only death eater still standing by her master  **(KiNkY)** , how the others had fled when they heard how weak their master was getting, despite the consequences, and given the Order information in return for pardon, which they had agreed to and changed their minds when the information had been told. 

"And now Lily, James and Peter have gone to track down Voldemort, I'm dreadfully lonely, but now you're awake it won't be so bad."

"You're worried..." Moony mused, his face thoughtful. 

"No, why would I-I be?" Was it that obvious?

"Obviously, you're shaking and why wouldn't you be? Your two brothers have just gone on a possibly fatal mission, your sister has gone with them, and not only that, but it could be someone you're related to that kills them. Why wouldn't you be?" 

"Uh... um-"

"They'll be fine."

"How did you know I was shaking, it can't be that obvious!"

"I'm holding your hand, doofus!" Crap. 

"Um...uh... sorry." I hastily withdrew my hand, embarrassed. 

"No, It's fine." His face turned beetroot red. 

~

HOLY SHIT SIRIUS BLACK JUST IS HOLDING MYHAND HOLYCRAP HOLYCRAPHOLYCRAP HOLYCRAPHOLYCRAP HOLYCRAPHOLYCRAP HOLYCRAPHOLYCRAP HOLYCRAPHOLYCRAP HOLYCRAPHOLYCRAP

OMG OMG OMG

HOLY CRAP 

~

 I felt my face growing hot. Why am I such a fuck up? 

No don't answer that, there are more right answers than wrong ones. 

I was tired. 

Really tired. 

I felt safe, holding Sirius' hand, and the morphine was kicking in. 

I felt my eyes shut, but didn't go to sleep immediately. 

Just lying there was peaceful. 

After about a minute, when I was just starting to drop off, I felt a pair of soft lips on my forehead. 

My heart was racing but I kept my eyes shut. 

"Remmy, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I fell for you." 

THE WHO

THE WHAT

THE WHY 

THE WHERE 

THE WHEN 

"I know you're straight, and I'm sorry, I hope I'll be able to get over you, but for now I love you." 

HE THINKS I'M WHAT

WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND 

I AM A RAGING HOMOSEXUAL 

HOW DARE HE 

And wow he likes me ok keep breathing, you're asleep remember.

My heart was beating far to fast. 

He was going to notice. 

He was going to realize I was awake. 

Fuck. 

"Sleep tight, Remmy." 

He got up and left the room, leaving everything colder, my hand obviously empty. 

~ 

In the 3 weeks it took for me to get completely better, Sirius practically avoided me, probably scared for what I might have heard.

Mostly, Sirius had been going on more and more dangerous missions.

He had engaged both Bellatrix and Yaxley in combat at the same time at least twice.

It was a miracle he was even alive, having only been saved by some quick thinking on Lily's part.

"I don't know what's got into him lately. I know he's usually fucking reckless as shit but this is stupid! We could've gotten out of there in one piece but noooooo Peter gets a cut on his arm, I nearly get strangled by some floating brains or whatever, he nearly falls through a stupid veil, just because he couldn't leave Bellatrix!" Lily was tearing her hair out.

"If he ever came to visit if talk to him. He used to come all the time then he... I don't know... stopped." I had a hunch why but didn't say anything.

"I wish I knew why! Albus said he wouldn't send him on anymore missions for a while, keeping everyone, including him, safe."

"What's he done to endanger other people?"

"WELL..." Lily took a deep breath. It was time for one of her famous rants. "First of all, he seemingly can't control himself, he's throwing himself into stupid situations, endangering the whole operation, forcing us to pull him out of them. He blames us, like he want to die, and locks himself in his room for days, not even eating! We're all so worried and he doesn't even care! He rejects every help we give him and he won't take care of himself. I could go on." She was beetroot red, and tears pricked in her flaming green eyes. "We're just trying to look after him, and he's our best friend, and I just want us all to make it out of this war. After your injury it dawned on me how likely that some of us won't make it through. I just want a place where our Harry can grow up safely, where you can be you without fear of discrimination, where I can feel safe with my family. This war in not fair on the hundreds of people who will grow up, never seeing hogwarts as the home we all saw it as, the muggleborns who will never feel truly safe in their world, and be damaged beyond repair by this war. It's not fair that instead of feeling worried each morning because I'm trying to adult and it's impossible, I wake up each morning terrified of who was killed in the night, because it could be anyone's last day alive and that scares me. It scares me so much. I want out of all of this! I WANT OUT!" She had been trying to hold in the sobs, trying to hold in the tears, and at the end her voice broke and she cried, burying her face in my bed sheets.

"Lily... it's gonna be ok... everything... everything will work out in the end..." I stroked her hand, rubbing small comforting circles with my thumb.

She was my best friend, an honorary Marauder and as brave as you like; even the strongest people break, and that doesn't make them weak, it makes them strong beyond belief.

"We're so young!" She sobbed out, and James chose that moment to poke his head round the door.

"Lils?"

"Oh, hi James."

"Lils? What's wrong?"

"I-I got a bit overwhelmed all of a sudden. I just need some sleep."

"Come on then," James bit his lip, "It's gonna be ok, Lils." He pulled her up, gently, holding her and helping her out of the room, pulling a protective arm around her.

I was left alone for 10 minutes, turning over Lily's words in my head. Peter walked into the room, nursing a cut but looking very excited. "Did you hear?"

"About...?"

"They've invented this awesome potion! It's made for werewolves, and it makes transformations less painful and dangerous! You become a tame werewolf, more like a dog, so you can curl up in your room and harm no one! You don't need to be scared of fulls anymore!" His boyish, innocent face shone with excitement, and I felt a rush of adrenaline and something that was probably hope, and for some reason, I burst into tears. "Moony?!" Peter was obviously by my sudden crying.

"Happy tears! Ohhhhhh... Merlin, this is incredible! I was worrying about this month's full, you know, in two days, because I might reopen the wounds, but now I don't have to be! ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC!"

"...Did you just quote the 9th Doctor?"

"..."

"Anyways... hopefully, this potion will help prevent stigmas about werewolves, you could be more accepted in the community, the possibilities are endless!"

"IT'S AMAZING!" Wowwwwww.....

"Dumbledore managed to get Slughorn to brew some and he's bringing it round tonight, you won't be able to get the full dosage to have a pain/risk-free transformation but it's good enough, and you won't hurt your wound, if you take one tonight and two tomorrow, before the full moon."

"So... what does it taste like?"

"Not having any personal experience, I can't tell you, but the werewolf they tested it, Luke Graymark, on said it tasted not as bad as polyjuice but not as good as lucky potion."

"Aren't those both illegal potions?"

"Well I don't think they asked too many questions. Luke's a police officer in Brooklyn, so maybe it's part of the job. You know, he works closely with the vamps and the seelies, and his wife is one of the Shadowhunters, the ones we sometimes get back up from on missions?"

"Yeah... maybe then."

We continued talking about the benefits to werewolves everywhere until Peter let out a huge yawn.

"Go to bed, Pete."

"Kay, g'night, Moony..." He blundered off down the hallway, completely shattered.

After about 5 minutes the door opened again and Dumbledore stood there with the potion. It had tendrils of blue-grey smoke that looked more angular than most smoke. The surface was had a blue-grey shifting sheen and looking not like something I'd drink normally.

It tasted like stale water and left an aftertaste that was similar to weed. Not particularly nice.

I shuddered as I gulped it down and Dumbledore gave me a pitying smile.

I was sick of his pity.

I hated the way he looked at me like that.

It didn't matter that I was a werewolf.

I was doing fine.

I did not need his pity.

"There you go, should make your transformations less painful, won't rupture your injury."

I felt disgusted by his pity.

I didn't want it.

"I don't need your pity."

"I'm not giving you any pity." There it was again. That  ** _smile_**.

"Yes you are. Now get out of my room." I felt close to crying but I could not show him that.

Too much emotion had built up over these past few weeks. I missed Sirius. I hated being trapped in this bed, side insistently hurting. I hated the pity. The helplessness.

I. will. not. Cry.

"Get. Out." I growled at Dumbledore.

"Fine. Goodnight, Remus." Serenely, he walked out the room, leaving only the scent of an ugly muggle perfume behind.

I turned slowly onto my stomach, agonising pain shooting up my back and side.

Once I lay back down, I face-planted the pillow and cried.

I cried until there was no more tears left to cry.  **(** **Me** **after alone on the water** **lmao** *****sobs***)**

My pillow grounded me. It spelt the sane as it always had, sweet, like the chocolate I used to keep stuffed in it, and just something pure me about it.

I lay there contemplating the universe until I heard the door open, when I realised I'd been dry sobbing.

I froze in fear.

It could be anyone, it could be you-know-who or Bellatrix or Yaxley or even Snivelly.

I felt a small figure slide into bed with me, and I instantly recognised the comforting smell of Sirius.

I sat up slowly, blinking.

He pulled me into his lap, sitting on the pillows so he was a tiny bit taller, and rested his chin on my head. I nuzzle into his chest, tears springing in my eyes again.

"Hey, hey, it's ok, we're going to get through this." He whispered into my hair. "You're gonna get through this." He kissed my hair tenderly, and my heart skipped a beat.

After five minutes, I broke the silence. "I heard, you know." He tensed up, like a dog under headlights. "And it's ok."

"You don't hate me?"

"How could I? You managed to put into words everything I've been trying too since fifth year at least."

"Really?" I could hear his disbelieving expression in his voice.

"Yes, Pads, now... can I have a kiss?" I asked sweetly, my heart fluttering.

"Of course you can you idiot." He lent down and placed a small kiss on my lips, and I felt the rough chapped of his, the ones I had dreamt about kissing for longer than I could remember. Fireworks exploded in my brain, and I was kissing him back.

 

 

I finally felt home.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and Kudos make me happy please god


End file.
